I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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