Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
