i'm signing you up for texting rehab
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
