I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
