im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
