I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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