If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
