Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
