Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
