I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
