I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
