it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
he quoted the bible to break up with me
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
