Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Someone came in the potted fern
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
