There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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