hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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