I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
