Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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