So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Shame - the story of my life.
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