we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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