He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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