all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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