you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
