im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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