I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
