How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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