I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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