Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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