I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
