The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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