This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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