I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
