I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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