on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
