We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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