i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It all started with a game of naked twister.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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