I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success