Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend