Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
