he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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