Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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