i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
