i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
