we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
