I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
