Michael Bay diarrhea
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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