So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
