White coat. Heels.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
