Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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