She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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