I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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