Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
