Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
