wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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