So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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