I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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