So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
