our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
