Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
