The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
