I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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