looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize