I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
