Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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