peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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